GYSO Reviews Part 83 - The GYSO Authors Bring Their C Game

Published: 2026-01-11

On this episode of GYSO– Actually, nevermind.

We’re tired. Deal with it.

There’s a literal table flip. It lands on its feet, ten points, and then Thim tips it over in rage.

Thim: YOU’RE TELLING ME SANTA IS SATAN?!?!

Sara: He’s the ruler of Hell, Thim. That’s the guy you usually call ‘Satan’.

Thim: BUT I’VE BEEN CALLING HIM SANTA!

Sara: Yeah, because that’s his name. Santa F. Clause. Why does your stupid ass language have abbreviations end in periods? It makes it look like the sentence is ending on a letter. Also it messes up my text-to-speech engine when I’m trying to listen to smut on the train to work.

Thim: You don’t work, though? You just hang out here and try telling me what to do.

Sara: Exactly.

Thim: Anyways… AND WE MADE HIM SATAN, AGAIN?

Sara: Yup.

Thim: HELL HAS FROZEN OVER?

Sara: Correct.

Thim: AGAIN?!

Sara: Yes.

Thim: THAT’S THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH! AND NOW THE NORTH DONG IS ORBITING THE SKY? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME?!

Sara: Sure is. Glad you managed to look outside once. Despite being invovled directly in the events that caused it.

Thim: I WAS PARTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING?!

Sara: That’s an ongoing debate, but people have started calling you “that motherfucker” ever since you stopped being God of War and everything went down– I mean up. I think it’s your new title.

Thim: That blows… Pancakes, anyone?

John: This just in: That Motherfucker is back at it again.

John John: That’s right, John! I’m here in the field with a live view of the events!

John: You’re just eating pancakes, John John.

John John: Yum! More please!

Thim: Wait. Is that a camera? GET IT THE FUCK–

The feed goes to static.

John: Welp. You heard it here first, folks.

Border City, on the border of City, seated on the new border to Hell, is trying to establish itself as a year-round tourist (and terrorist) attraction for both humans and demons and off-by-one-errors. Democratic process is… dubiously followed, but many of the world’s stronger powers are sending diplomats, trying to set up consulates, and asking themselves if Border is its own sovreign nation, or some abdominable off-by-one-spring.

Anyways, it’s a theme park. Wowwwww. A theme park. The theme being hell. In a park. That already leads to hell. Like having a Narnia theme park right before the damn closet. Why’s it there where it has to compete with literal hell? Because the giftshop makes good cash, and they need money for the AC bill to keep hell frozen. Some idiot had the bright idea of ‘if hell freezes over I’ll freeze hell over’, and now everyone’s kind of dealing with that.

You can get your pic taken going down splash mountain lava mountain. Buy it. It’s only a hundred bucks and takes you in the most unflattering position possible: the flesh melting off your bones. A bad look.

At Border City, you can buy the worst of the worst. Adult items. Weapons. Glowing rectangles. Glowing adult weapons. In fact, it’s the glowing rectangle shop that draws the most attention. The bright new startup, comprised of a rotten apple, has clean and open store plans, luring unsupecting victims to buy their very own torture devices. Santa is backing (dat) the company (up, goddamn) as an angel investor (ironically enough), for him it’s a cost-saving measure, putting hundreds of torture demons out of work.

Snag’darr bursts through the GYSO Mansion Playboy Mansion GYSO Livingroom Ceiling, a mad gleam in his eyes.

Snag’darr: I’ve been watching the Yo-Gee-Joe channel.

Henry: The what :O?

Thim (deadpan): Oh no, my ceiling.

Snag’darr: Okay. So, first off, the premise is super weird. Like, I get that they’re teaching kids about the cards and their function, while also creating lore for the background of the card game, building identity and interest around the playing of the game and how to play it, but there’s one primary factor that doesn’t add up.

Part of the ceiling collapses.

Thim: Wait, how much of this have you watched by now?

Snag’darr: Calm down! I’m calm! I’ll get there! Shut up!

Thim turns around, leaving the room.

Thim: I need a drink. Bye, assholes.

Snag’darr: Now, Henry. You can listen.

Henry: Hehe, I’m in danger~!

Snag’darr: Alright, I get the point, you can read the bulk of my analysis on my new blog, GYCO – Get Your Cards On–no relation to any insurance companies. But the main thing is that it’s painfully obvious for anyone watching the show that the game is played in this fundamentally flawed way where you have to tell a whole story about what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and what effect it–

Thim returns.

Thim: I’M BACK BITCHES! What’d I miss? Say it again.

Snag’darr: Uuuuuuuuuugh. Okay, so the main point is that, in-universe, Yo-Gee-Joe is an obviously annoying game to play. Like, the basic premise of the strategy is obvious. You play your game, and activating different traps and magic effects is part of the game. It’s cool, in a way that it creates a living sort of battle, but the fact that you have to explain what your cards do, and why they do it is so obviously anno–

Thim throws his (now empty) bottle of pure ethonol into the wall.

Thim: THOSE BASTARDS! They ruined Yo-Gee-Joe!

Henry: You like Yo-Gee-Joe, Thim?

Thim: No, I hate it. Everyone hates it. Duh.

Snag’darr: So the next thing is that the serialization completely ruins the format. It’s all power creep. One danger leads to a bigger one, leads to a bigger one. That’s fine, by itself, but when the characters get to the literal end of the story, you’d think it’s the end of the season. But noooooo, when they finally get to the bottom of the mystery of the secret and all-powerful God Cards, and everyone learns about their true origins and backstories, they just throw it all away for a plot that’s even bigger in scope, and the new bad guys just up and steal the God Cards!

Albert walks in. He hears Snag’darr talking about card game anime. He pirouettes a 180, holds back tears, then makes like a tree in Spring and leaves.

Thim: That’s the smartest thing that character’s ever done.

Henry: Albert’s nice :D

Snag’darr: Hello, Albert. Bye Albert. Now don’t get me started on the fact that every battle, by design, doesn’t impact the real world. Except for some reason they do, and no one has the common sense to walk past the holographic illusions and just hit the bad guy with a baseball bat. Do they not have guns in this universe?

Henry: That sounds pretty idyllic :) Like a big field of flowers!

Thim: Wait, you’re actaully listening to this? I started tuning it out at ‘so’.

Snag’darr: Actually, yeah, I guess…

Henry: I’m activating my magic card! :D

Snag’darr bursts into flames.

Snag’darr: You know, this is actually fine. I’m a dragon.

Thim (burning, but also fine): Yeah.

The fire alarm goes off.

Henry: Sorry about the mansion, Thim… :(

Bunny (waking up on Thim’s shoulder from a nap): Huh? It’s on fire, father.

Thim: Yeah. What gave it away? The fire, the heat, or the alarm?

In the background, staff are running in with fire extinguishers, yelling something about “that motherfucker” and “root of all evil” and “not paid enough for this shit”.

Snag’darr: Actually, in the story, the root of all evil is–

Thim (still on fire): IS WHAT? TELL ME!

Snag’darr: I stopped watching after that, actually.

Thim twitches.

Thim: Must. Not. Choke out. Dragon friend. HHHHHHHHGGGGGG

Sara walks in, perturbed. Maybe it’s the fire?

Sara: And why aren’t you outside, if you’re going to be playing with fire, huh? There’s a place on this earth where there’s fire burning since the beginning of time and until the end of days, but instead you set fire to the mansion?? AGAIN?! When Hell is right here, on Earth??

Thim (lighting a cigar, the whole cigar, not just the tip. then he eats it): Hell froze over, didn’t you hear?

The dies.

The end.