GYSO Reviews Part 81 - North Dong Rising: Revengence
Published: 2025-12-14
Thim: I quit.
The elfs do a victory dance. Hundreds die.
Albert: Exquisite… Now let’s get to planning on how to save this war criminal and human husk from Hell.
Thim: Actually, when you put it that way, I retrac–
Elf Two: Nuh-uh! No backsies! Santa’s going to go back to being the God of War: Ghost of Sparta again! And you’re going to help us :P
Henry: I’m here too! :D
Snag’darr: As am I. For some reason.
Bunny: And my axe!
Sara: Are we missing anyone? Someone that is above average on the goopyness spectrum, perhaps?
Thim: Nah. Let’s save Hell. And by save it I mean give it back to the objectively evil God of War that ran it into the ground before. FOR THE NORTH DONG!
All the elfs: FOR THE NORTH DONG!
Henry: Wait. Is the North Dong supposed to be Hell, or are those different–
Thim: NO TIME! Section break!
In the GYSO Mansion Playboy Mansion GYSO War Room Mansion Room…
Santa (on walkie talkie): I don’t know, you half-blind fuck, you tell me how people get here! Weren’t you on vacation in Hell?!
Thium: Okay, listen here, you bag of la– OUCH!
Thim punches Thium in the face.
Thim: Get the fuck out of here, poser. Anyways. Listen here, you bag of last-minute Halloween candy, the way through Styx is blocked by yo mamma’s fat ass. God damn.
Santa (on walkie talkie, still, that hasn’t changed): Fucking hell, I hate you so fucking much. You fucking halfling of a human and another, worse human. Just because my family is eternally tormented in Hell for my crimes does not give you the right to offend them like that. Apologize immediately to Momma Clause.
Henry: :O Using my abilities, I can feel an entrance into Hell at the North Dong! Yay!
Snag’darr: You mean your PSYCHOTIC ABILITIES?!?!
Henry: Ye.
Ninja Guy (also known as BEB also known as Big Erectus Babe also know as biblical, actual Jesus Christ): Wow. What an exposition dump. In the toilet. You really just put it wherever you want, huh?
Thim: Putting it wherever I want? Talk about me on a Friday ni–
Somewhere in Hell…
Santa: Alright. Sven.
Sven: Yes?
Santa walks forward, placing a heavy hand on Sven’s shoulder. Remember Sven? From reviews 26? lol
Santa: There’s no easy way to say this, but we need you to be the bait. The master bait. You… Probably won’t come… out of this alive.
Sven: Wow… You really care that much?
Santa snorts. Cocaine. Frequently.
Santa: Hell no. It’s funny as shit. But Thim wants me to build up tension about Sven for some reason. The fucker. Right (about) now (funk soul brother), all you need to do is recon the exit.
Sven: Okay. My character hasn’t been established, so I don’t know what to say. I like crossfit and Yo-Gee-Joe, the legally distinct trading card game.
Santa wipes a tear from his eye. Tear. As in, a tear in your pants. Is that a monster in your pocket?
Santa: At least you don’t play Magic the Gathering(tm)–which I can mention under the terms of Fair Use.
At the top of the mountain stands a god. He’s scratching his ethanol and drinking his ass. Or, wait–
Thim (‘talking’ into a walkie talkie): Do you understand the plan, Sven? It could be risky for you, I hope you understand.
Thim burps loudly. The smell is palpable.
Sara: Yuck, the smell is palpable.
Thim: Palpable? More like Palpatine, ammiright, emperor?
Emperor Palpatine: Do it.
Sara: All in favor of axing the Emperor Palpatine character?
Everyone but Thim: Aye!
Emperor Whatever: NOOOOOO~!
Sven (over the walkie talkie): I feel oddly nostalgic right (about) now (funk soul brother).
Thim yells (in spanish) into the clouds.
Thim: I RENOUNCE MY… UH… VOW? MY HOOPLA AS GOD OF WAR! IT SHALL BE PASSED ONTO SVEN, THE MASTER DIRECTOR IN CHIEF SECRETARY!
There’s vibrations throughout the world as Thim’s words vibrate around the world. All around the world, around the world, around the world.
Man, I love Daft Punk. Anyway, sorry, the person has to like, die to pass on the title.
Thim: But I’m immortal.
Huh, yeah. I didn’t think about that. Good enough for me, I just work here. As a narrator.
Sven (over the walkie talkie, in hell): I can feel the power! The power of the God of War! OOOOOOOOOO
Henry: I’m too young to watch this.
Snag’darr: We won’t tell your mother if you don’t bring it up.
Sven: OOOOOOOOO
Suddenly!
Geoff Beachhouse (over the walkie talkie): Finally, someone I can kill for the title! Come here, uh… Who are you?
Sven (walkie talkie joke): I AM SVEN! THE TECHNICALLY MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN THIS SCENE! YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME TWICE, TIM! YOU RAT BASTARD!
The sun flickers at the word ‘TIM’.
Geoff Beachhouse: Okay. Still going to kill you though.
The walkie talkie crackles as Sven dashes away. To the secret entrance to hell, at the North Dong.
Thim: Alright. Everyone get ready or whatever. I need a fucking nap after this.
Bunny: I will be the pillow, father.
Thim: …That’s way too cute. Stop it.
Bunny: But father. Cuteness is the only way you show me love.
Thim: …Gonna unpack that one later.
There’s worker elfs droning around makeshift workspaces and tents, carrying weapons, presents (that are actually weapons), ammunition (that are actually just weapons disguised as ammunition), and fire extinguishers (that are non-regulation). Everyone is getting ready for whatever’s going to happen.
Albert: What. What’s the deal with airline food the fire extinguishers on the North Dong?
Worker elf 54: We’re freezing Hell over, sir. Orders from Santa.
Albert: But he’s not the–
Worker elf 999: Shuddup.
Sven (over the walkie talkie): I’M ALMOST THERE! I’M COMING! BEACHHOUSE HOT ON MY BACK!
Henry: Hiya! I’m getting a signal now! It’s underneath the ground! Who’da thunk the secret path to Hell is hidden underneath the North Dong? I’m exploding his video feed now…
Snag’darr: EXPLODING?
Henry: AHH! Scary dragon! I mean, like, increasing the signal strength!
Snag’darr: Amplify.
Henry: That’s a cool word! What’s it mean?
Thim: Shush! Look at this! It’s Sven going up the path! Listen to the audio.
Sven: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK–!
Bunny: What a brave warrior.
Big Erectus Babe: Sounds like vacuumers.
Thim: Could be any machine, brother, doesn’t mean anyone is necessarily sucking or blowing.
Big Erectus Babe: Trust me, bro. I’ve worked enough hotel cleaning gigs.
Sara: What does that mean? What do you mean by that?
Everyone else is awkwardly staring at a fat screen TV monitor displaying Sven flying up to the big jar that they’re going to trap Beachhouse in. Yes, really.
Sven: ARE YOU GUYS READY? IS THE PLAN READY? IT BETTER FUCKING BE!!
Over the horizon, the ghostly form of Sven is being followed by a flaming meteor in the shape of a man named Geoff Beachhouse.
Geoff: GET BACK HERE!!
Sara (into a walkie talkie): Open the jar.
There’s an almighty POP as the cork is removed!
Sven flies into the jar, followed by Geoff.
Geoff Beachhouse: Super inferno move!
Sven dodges the super awesome, well described attack–you can practically feel the heat of it on your face while reading–then flies out of the jar. Before Geoff can follow, though, the cork is re-added! He’s trapped!
Geofffffff: I’m trapped!
Bunny: He’s trapped.
Thim: We got it the first time.
Suddenly…
At a distance, there’s a thiccc red silhouette approaching. His red-and-white hat flows in the wind, yet somehow doesn’t come… off from his head.
Santa: I can’t believe you people haven’t realized. If you change the letters around, ‘Santa’ becomes–
Thim: No way! You’re Saant! I love your music!
Henry: :OOOOOOO Can i have an autograph?!?!?
Saant: …I’m going to betray you now. Bring Sven to me, Elf.
Elf: Right away, sir!
Elf Two: Guess who?
Sven turns around, only to get sucker punched by Elf Two!
Elf: I was the distraction, biotch! Thim!
Thim (waking back up): Huh? Wha–?
Elf: Fuuuuuuuck you!
Thim (yawning): Dinner first, or whatever…
Sven, who is super duper hurt from that sucker punch, is delivered to the feet of the one true God of War: Santa F. Clause… Currently, technically, not the God of War right now.
The GYSO Gang(tm) is surrounded by a literal army of worker elfs carrying weapons–and fire extinguishers. Who’da thunk that would… backfire, huh?
Santa: Do you know what holds this world together?
Henry: Love! :)
Bunny: Carrots.
Sara: Exasperation.
Albert: Reitrement checks?
Big Erectus Babe: Me.
Snag’darr: The will of the people, as enacted by the law and–
Thim: Two idiots giggling to themselves?
Santa stares at them.
Santa: What…? No, you dim-wits. Haven’t you done any research for this mission?
Thim: Mission? What mission?
After a big sigh…
Santa: Look. Actually look. At the ground.
If you look close enough at the snow covering the North Dong, it’s never quite resting. And not because of the wind, jackass.
Santa: That’s right. The tectonic plate of the North Dong is being held together to the core of the earth by a Dyson(tm) vacuum.
…
What?
Santa: You’d think there would need to be thousands of vacuums to have enough force to keep a small continent succed to the Earth.
You: Uh, “succed”?
Santa: Quiet, you! But it turns out that Dyson(tm) vacuums are highly efficient, and they don’t lose their succing power over time the same way other brands do. Hashtag not sponsored. Hit us up, Dyson, if you want to, though.
Big Erectus Babe: That’s a quality vacuum, bro. Did you just wink at an imaginary camera?
Sara (opening a flask): I’m too sane for this shit.
Santa sends a big clap of the cheeks to silence the congregation. Yes you read that right.
Santa: Now, as I was saying, in order to fulfill my evil plan, I will need to sacrifice you, Sven. You will be the clog to stop the vacuum, and the North Dong will do as it is naturally inclined to do – rise! To the skies.
Thim: I won’t let you get away with this, Pearman!
Santa: …What?
Thim: I wanted to say ‘Eggman’, but then the voices in my head argued about it being legally distinct, and then they changed it to Pearman… You know how it is.
Suddenly… The slight rumble stops.
Sara: The slight rumble has stopped!
Bunny: Father, the rumbling of the snow ha–
Thim: I’m going to actually freak the fuck out.
Geoff Beachhouse is banging on the glass jar glass. Glass.
Santa: You see… As I was talking, my minions escorted our friend, Sven, to the place of his demise. He is currently entering the digestive tract of the vacuum. Or whatever it’s called.
Thim: Friend?
Suddenly! The ground shakes even more!
Henry: Thim, the ground–
Thim grabs Henry and throws him as hard as he can. It doesn’t do much, on account of Henry’s something something annoying formatting abilities.
Sven (ovre the radio): Can you hear me?!
Albert: Sven! My loved one! You were a middling secretary and mediocre friend and smelled weird and had a bad sense of humor and weren’t that bright and always heated up fish in the employee lounge microwave, but you were a great savior of the world!
Sven: You must promise me, Albert…
The sucking noise is loud in the background. I mean succing.
Sven: Please, take my position as Master Director in Chief Secretary.
Dropping to his knees, bawling, tears basically spraying out of his eyes, watering the snow crops with salt, Albert screams a raw, guttural scream.
Albert: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO–
Thim: What? Can you repeat that? I wasn’t listening.
Albert: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I was retired! Retired! You can’t do this to me!
You: But I can. Lmao.
There’s an awkward pause as no one really knows if Sven is dead or not yet.
Sven: This is it… Can I… Can I ask you one more thing, Thim? Oooh, a spider!
Thim: Sure, whatever.
Sven: Can… you say the line?
Thim sighs.
Thim: Goodbye, Sven.
OMINOUS NOISE VROOOOOM
(The ominose noise is a vaccum cleaner turning off below the surface of the North Dong)
Then SVEN ceases to exist as a character.
And with the tragic re-death of Sven, Santa regains his full power as God of War. Because he killed Sven. Well– okay, the elfs that dragged him, and the vacuum killed him, but the ‘kill him’ thing is smarter than that and knows it’s Santa’s falt, so it goes to him.
Hey, man, no worries. I’m not big on technicalities and that stuff, so it’s all good. It’s a green light from me.
Santa: MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Finally! And now, with that stupid ass vacuum that nobody should buy finally broken, we can ascend!
The North Dong…
Rises into the sky…
Next time, on GYSO BALLSY!
The dies.
The end.