GYSO Reviews Part 80 - Cold War (of Hell) 2: Electric Boogaloo

Published: 2025-11-30

Santa: What do you mean Hell has FM radio?

Elf Two (on walkie-talkie): How do you think they send those ads on the television?

Santa: Do you have any idea how long the TV stations have been digital? How are you two the guys they sent to save me from Hell?

A fireball whizzes by Santa, exploding behind him. He dodges another one as he roundhouse kicks a speed demon trying to rush the jolly guy. Just a silly goober.

Santa: Anyways, I found the local rebel squad. Sven helped me.

Red Hat Man hurls an ice cone at a scout demon bat, piercing its warm and squishy face.

Elf: Sven? Don’t tell me you’re trusting a Swedish guy. How’d that go last time?

Santa: Look, I may not be God of War anymore, but I’ll at least try to freeze Hell over before a good-for-nothing Beachhouse gets be ruler of Hell for all eternity plus one. The last Swedish guy was an idiot. This one is a ghost caught in limbo. So he’s also an idio– Hang on.

With spectacular technique, Father Snowden jumps up to a resistance cannon, imbuing… magical ice powers into the cannonball or whatever. It fires onto a ledge, causing an avalanche of fresh snow, trapping several demons’ advance

Santa: Anyways, I’m a bit busy and I don’t care about what you’re saying. Hold the fort on the surface and do everything in your power to help me win this thing!

Elf: (quietly) I’m just saying– all this just sounds like two guys having some power fantasy about hell freezi– Ah! I mean, yes sir!

Thim frowns.

Henry: What’s wrong? :O

Thim: I sense a distrubance in the plot.

Snag’darr: You sure it isn’t constipation?

Thim: You and I both know I haven’t shat in three years. I’m–

Snag’darr: Yes, I know. Saving it for Debra’s desk.

Thim: Yeah. So leave me the fuck alone. I’m doing important work.

Henry: You’re just staring at the wall tho!

Geoff Beachhouse, current ruler of Hell (but not for long if Santa can help it), thrusts his fist against the desk.

Geoff Beachhouse: He WHAT?!

Generic demon mook: Sir, Santa lost ten pounds, threw away his body pillow, and signed up for the local gym! He’s applying for a job! Your job! With deadly force!

The office room shakes. A priceless ceramic banana falls off a shelf into the generic office pit of suffering–known as a trash can.

It gets slightly colder. In Hell.

Geoff Beachhouse clenches a fist, trying to hold back the generic evil villian instinct to flay the messenger alive–

Generic demon mook: Also I’m a traitor lol.

The mook takes off his mask, revealing…

Generic demon mook (Santa colors): I’ve got you right where I want you! With your head, I can be second in command when–

Geoff Beachhouse sighs and gets his generic office flamethrower from under the desk.

He’s got work to do.

Thim: Ooooh cool. The’re gonna fight!

Sara: Who? The little flower designs on the wallpaper? What’s so interesting about that?

Thim: SHHHHH!!!!!!! I’m watching!

Sara: There was more spit in that shush than a slobbering dog produces in a day. I’m going to take a shower. I hate all of you.

Sara leaves in disgust.

Henry: She’s nice.

Snag’darr: You are a kind soul, Henry.

Henry: Awwww~! Thanks :D

Geoff Beachhouse: Nuh uh! No I won’t!

Santa: Yes you will! Come here, you little shit and look me in the eyes!

The two evil villains are in… A high school cafeteria. Like, a huge one, could fit many hundreds of people, what do they even need this for in Hell, anyways? Something something school is hell joke. Anyways, Arnold Santanegger is chasing the wild Geoff around the tables.

Santa (not even breaking a sweat he’s so cold): What do you even need this place for, in Hell of all places, anyways?

Geoff Beachhouse (panting): We make the people with people pleasing issues work in the cafeteria and… ugh… watch helplessly as the cancer victims gets bullied by… (pant)… the socially anxious types.

They stop to catch their breath. Santa feels his chest, scratching a home-made name tag that says “Youngster Joey” Geoff is decidedly turned away from the Red Grinch.

Santa: Oh, and… pfff… what did the cancer victims do, huh? Something sick to alleviate their pain?

Geoff Beachhouse: Nah, they did nothing wrong. That’s part of the disease, now. I revamped some deadly conditions when I took over. In exchange, every mosquito carrying deadly disease goes to the Big Guy. And also all your databases have been converted to SQLite, and the accounting is managed from an Electron app..

Having had enough, the Polish Grandpa slams his fist into a table…

Santa (furious): You evil piece of shit! Look me in the eyes, you can’t refuse a battle!

Santa throws a Pocket Monsters-branded plushie of that guy Henry possesed at current ruler of Hell Geoff Beachhouse.

Geoff Beachhouse (reading from a script): Haha! With a villanous voice, qoute, you will never catch me, quote throw escape orb–

He disappeared :O

Elf (on the walkie talkie): Sir! You won’t believe this!

Obvious cliffhanger is obvious…

Next time on GYSO BALLSY!

The dies.

The end.