GYSO Reviews Part 77 - 99 Problems, Part 3: 1000 Papercuts; Part 4: Thim tries to do things as the God of War but doesn’t wanna do the whole war thing so keeps being difficult about that and giving his little elf workers a hard time for doing the things they were hired to do, includes truth bombs and Bunny the Bunny being a bunny d’aww. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. Lucky number 77.

Published: 2025-10-19

Thim: What do you mean it’s a dollar fifty? I said it’s a dollar in the aisle!

Cashier: I’m sorry sir, the price is centralized on the AI blockchain, there’s nothing I can do. Literally. I’m tied to a wooden board right now, as you can see.

Thim: Who do you even think you are? Do you know who I am, I’m the motherfucker who–

Elf: Yes! Yes, you’re the motherfucker who banned conflict, remember? You can’t argue with this man, Mr. God of War: Ghost of Sparta.

Elf Two: THIS. IS. SPARTA!

Thim kicks Elf Two into the pit.

Uncomfortable silence.

Thim: Alright. Fine. I’m unbanning conflict. Fucking cowards.

On the street, a car explodes–no reason, it just does. The screams of the damned echo through the neighbouring buildings. The two soccer moms perusing the stores–just two, it’s not that busy of a day–get into a fist fight over an exploding car; no relation. MMA fighters become MMA buddhist monks. Birds of prey stop eating vegetarians.

Thim plucks Bunny off his shoulder–the fuzzy wuzzy little thing’s always there–and points him at the cashier like a pistol.

Thim: I’m taking this lolipop.

Cashier: Okay, whatever.

Elf: I’m so proud.

Elf Two (echoing in the pit): …Hello?

Thim struts out of the convience store with his lolipop, watching the store behind him explode. Cool guys don’t look at explosions, but Thim is half-hot, so…

Thim: Okay, fun’s over everyone. I’m banning conflict again.

Birds fall out of the sky onto bouncey castles. The convience store perfectly implodes to fix itself–cashier included. The soccer moms hug it out. Birds of prey become vegan. MMA buddhist monks stop kicking the shit out of non-MMA buddhist monks, deciding that peace really is the best option when it’s enforced by someone stronger than them. Also they start finance-bro podcasts.

Elf takes out a pillow and screams as loud as he can into it.

Thim: All in a day’s work.

Elf’s screaming reaches a new pitch.

At a North Pole meeting room…

Thim: Okay, listen here you little shits. I’m not unbanning war. And if you try to convince me, that’s conflict.

Elf: But Thim, listen, my brother from anothe–

Thim: LA LA LA LA! I will not hear it!

Elf: It’s hurting our bottom line! Our thick, bouncing bottom line. We can’t keep this place running if we don’t incite conflict and hate and vitriol into the world! Think of all the gang criminals we employ, and all the people in difficult situations that they exploit! We’re gonna lose it all!

Elf Two bursts through the meeting room door, blowing it off its hinges.

Elf Two: I’m back! I escaped the pit by solving the riddles of the–

Thim: That door’s coming out of your paycheck.

Elf Two (falling to his knees): NOOOOOO!!!

Thim: Well, you’ll just have to innovate or some shit, I guess. Do something nice for people for once in your miserable little, short, lives. Figure it the tf fuck out. Lmao.

In the repurposed weapons testing chambers of the North Pole…

Elf slave Minimum Wage Worker: Okay, sir. God of War, sir. Here’s a newly designed knife–

Thim: KNIFE? When all conflict is banned?

Elf slave Minimum Wage Worker: No, sir, uh, listen. It’s a new model of iShank. iShank X Plus Pro with pre-cracked screen. It smells like candy canes from the factory? And it doesn’t have a charging port.

Thim: Pre-cracked screen?

Elf slave Minimum Wage Worker: You see, sir, it’s a way to boost sales. Like people pre-tearing holes in their jeans. It increases visits to our service centers! And our service outers!

Thim sends Bunny to chase the minimum wage worker out of the room. It’s very cute. Not for the worker, though.

He politely puts the iShank prototype in his pocket, poking a hole in it. For research.

Outside…

Thim: WHY ON EARTH HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME OUT IN THIS COLD, EMPTY, FIELD FOR? THERE’S JUST A HELICOPTER THAT’S WAY TOO LOUD AND I HAVE TO WEAR ALL THIS SAFETY EQUIPMENT??

Helicopter: SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI

Thim: SOI, SOI, TO YOU, MY DUDE.

Elf Two: WE’RE GOING TO DROP A BOMB ON YOU, SIR.

Thim: WHAT?

Elf Two: I SAID, WE’RE GOING TO DROP A BOMB ON YOU!

Thim: THIS BETTER BE GOOD, MISTER.

From the helicopter drops a small, canister-shaped object. Upon hitting the ground…

Bomb: Your fear of socialization is getting in the way of your intense need for validation.

Thim: WHAT. WHY DID YOU MAKE A TRUTH BOMB?!

Bomb: Violence is the thing that backs up every government. ‘Law’ is just what they call the precursor to violence for compliance.

Thim: FUCK! MAKE IT STOP! TURN THE BOMB OFF!

Bomb: In two years time–

The bomb explodes, which it very much isn’t supposed to do.

Elf: Alright! Fixed it!

Thim: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!?!?

Elf: Uh…

Back in the GYSO Mansion Playboy Mansion, Thim has his head in his hands, fuzzy pink bathrobe (not in his hands), and a soothing drink of Earl Grey (in a pile on the floor), mixed with commercial truck diesel. He’s in an online meeting, again…

Thim: I just don’t know what to do with you guys. Your whole war thing was obviously effective but crude.

Elf and Elf Two (simultaneously): Thank you :)

Thim: But I ask you to make literally the one thing that the North Pole is known for in pop culture, and you bring me weapons of mass destruction disguised as presents.

Elf and Elf Two (simultaneously): Exactly! :P

Thim: So we need to do something different. We can’t keep seeing each other like this. I’m rebranding the North Pole.

Elf: Sir–

Thim: No! I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna call it the–

THE OBVIOUS CLIFFHANGER KILLS THE

THE DIES

THE END