GYSO Reviews Part 72 - GYSO News
Published: 2025-08-10
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: GET YOUR SKILLS ON SERVERS GET YOUR ON FIRE! DOZENS ANNOYED!
Thim mutters the title under his breath.
Snag’darr: Have you read it? It’s pretty lit.
Thim reads the news headline, ignoring the article under it entierly.
Thim: Did you burn the servers down, dragon breath?
Snag’darr: No that was a scrapped plotline.
Thim: Well, why didn’t anyone tell me that the servers burned down? How are we going to serve text to the web scraping robots now?!
Sara: Hate to break it to you– Actually I’m going to enjoy this: Just because your blog is the most visited by robots doesn’t make it good. Just over-trafficked.
Thim stands up, pointing an accusatory finger at Sara’s general direction. His fuzzy pink blindfold isn’t helping his pointing game–or his reading game. No idea how he pulled off the headline game, to be honest.
Thim: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Sara, through a miraculous feat of plot contrivance, takes it back. Back again. Guess whose back. Tell a friend.
Sara: Bro, your only readers are web-scraping robo-tots and robots. Maybe you should consider making your blog palletable for humans?
Thim: NEVAH!!!
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: Thim takes out trash. Is never seen again
Thim: What? What is this shit?
Henry: Where’d you go, Thim? THIM?!?!
Thim: I hate all of you.
Henry: Sometimes I can still hear his voice.
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: GYSO SERVER FIRE SPREADING THROUGHOUT THE COUNTY, CYBERSECURITY “EXPERT” WARNS AGAINST SHODDY “FIREWALLS”
Thim: I don’t get it, this seems very split to me. Is it, like, two different things? There’s an actual fire spreading, and unrelated to that is the security advice? Or is the fire a cybersecurity sort of fire and the expert’s warning is a reasonable defence?
Henry: Hmm if only there was a way to find out?
Thim: Yeah, let me know if you think of any.
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: ACCORDING TO POLLS, GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS TOPIC COVERAGE OF GYSO NEWS IS NOT ENOUGH GYSO FOR THE UNIVERSE NEWS
Proudly standing on the sidewalk outside the GYSO Mansion Playboy Mansion, Thim is taking his “well-deserved” morning piss on the passing cars. It’s like a dog gamn firehose. Cycling past him is the local post-person in full body armor, throwing today’s grenade paper at Thim’s feet.
Thim: I’ll get you next time, paperboy! You can’t handle this!
Realizing his stream has been compromised, Thim looks down to find a clinging Bunny.
Bunny: Father. Who reads papers anymore?
Thim: I got used to it after the year-long, infamous, well documented Banning of Rectangles, back when I was just a young’in.
The hose, which has lost control in most directions, settles down before ending. People are crying–Thim, in particular, in relief. Must’ve passed a kidney stone or something. Actually, those might not be tears, it’s a bit hard to tell, with the intense downpour. What a bad day for rain.
Bunny: Father. Father please.
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: GET YOUR SKILLS ON WRITES A PISS JOKE
Thim: Damn it! We’ve got a leak!
Snag’darr: I think it’s you who has the leak, Thim. Maybe drink less water? We’re running out of lakes.
Thim: NEVAH!!!
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: LOCAL BOY STARTS SUCCESSFUL BLOG, BETTER THAN GYSO, WAY BETTER THAN THAT FUCKFACE THIM
Thim: Henry, did you start a blog again?
Henry: …No?
Thim: What did I tell you about using the internet, Henry?
Henry: That it’s evil and I shouldn’t post a blog onto it if I want to have any sanity left?
Thim: And?
Henry: And that I shouldn’t then proceed to link my blog to the local news paper?
Thim makes a ‘go on’ gesture.
Henry: …And then I really shouldn’t give that newspaper to you, to ask these questions?
Thim nods, satisfied.
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: NOTHING HAPPENED
Sara walks over to a sunbathing, fully clothed, Thim.
Sara: You’re in the news again. Ugh.
Adjusting the cucumbers over his eyes and banana taped on his mouth like a funny mustache (over his eyes), Thim eats literal dirt.
Thim: em shure eet’s jusht haipeerbolee
He takes off the banana from his face. There’s another beneath.
Thim: Who’da thunk it would be so hard to speak clearly with a banana taped to your face? Anyways, I was saying it’s probably just hyperbole.
Henry: Can I have a hyper bowl too?
Thim: Sure thing, Henry. Whatever you want, buddy. So long as it isn’t internet access.
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: LOCAL ALOE VERA PLANT “HENRY” GETS “HYPER BOWL”, IS TOTALLY PSYCHED!
Walking outside the GYSO Mansion Playboy Mansion you can softly hear the “Nyan Cat” theme coming in and out of earshot. It’s almost soothing, in a nostalgic sort of way.
Inside…
ALBERT: CAN YOU TURN IT DOWN? I’M TRYING TO READ A BOOK
Thim: Why’s your name in all caps? Is that what it means to be retired?
ALBERT: I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THIS NOISE, AN OLD MAN LIKE MYSELF IS A BIT HARD OF HEARING.
Henry: AYE AYE CAPTAIN!
Henry launches his hyper bowl out the window, where it procedes to bounce around like the laws of thermodynamics are suggestions. It licks five door knobs, launches a cat into the lake, and bounces back. Because it’s hyper.
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: MAN EATS BURGER, LOCAL FAST FOOD CHAIN NOW SUING FOR DAMAGES
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: HANDY MAN HIGH FIVES EVERYONE AT ONCE
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: GYSO MAN TRIES “THE WAVE”, GRIEVING FAMILY NOT IN THE RIGHT TO REMOVE HIM FROM GRAVEYARD
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: GAMER PERFORMS 365 NO SCOPE! EVERYONE SPINS, THEN POINTS AND LAUGHS!
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: “What could it mean?” ASKS AVERAGE MATHEMATICIAN
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: MORTICIAN MAKES GRAVE ERROR
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: UPDATE ON GAMER PERFORMING 365 NO SCOPE – NOW DOING IT 24/7!
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: LMAO MADE YOU LOOK!
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: MEET THE GUN CREW THIS FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY AT THE ANNUAL DEMOCRACY-CONVENTION, SPONSORED BY GUN AND SLAVERY – SLAM A/V EVERYWHERE
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: MORTICIAN DIGS UP HIS PAST
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: LOCAL PROGRAMMER WRITES PROGRAM, APOLOGIZES
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: MICROWAVES EVERYWHERE GETTING MUTE BUTTONS, MANUFACTURERS CRYING
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: SPIDER JOINS THE WEB, GETS STUCK AT YOUTUBE
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH? MAKE YOUR OWN WITH OUR NEW AI!
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: EAT BEES? 10 REASONS YOU SHOULD, AND A HUNDRED MORE WHY YOU SHOULDN’T
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: NO NEWS TODAY, HAVE A NICE DAY!
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: RIOTS IN THE STREETS AS YESTERDAYS NEWS COVERAGE MISSED SOMETHING IMPORTANT, SOMETHING SOMETHING RADIOACTIVE WASTELAND FOR THE NEXT 6,000 YEARS
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: LOCAL MAN MINDS HIS OWN BUISNESS
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: EVIL VILLIAN DECLARES TEN THOUSAND YEARS OF SLIGHTLY CLOUDY SKIES
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: EVIL VILLIAN LAIR DECLARED BETTER FOR HOSTAGES THAN HOME SITUATION
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: HUGE FINE FOR EVIL LAIR AS TAX FRAUD IS DISCOVERED, BELIEVED TO BE THE ROOT CAUSE OF COMFORTABLE LIVING AND WORKING CONDITIONS
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: HUG ME I’M LONELY
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: YOU NEED TO VERIFY YOUR AGE TO READ THIS HEADLINE
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: GOOPY DROOPY: IS HE REALLY DROOPY?
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: POLITICIAN DOES SOMETHING SENSIBLE, MILLIONS BAFFLED
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: POLITICAN LOST HIS JOB, HOME, WIFE, SECOND HOUSE, FAMILY, PARENTS, SAVINGS, YACHT, BOAT, THIRD HOUSE, THREE CARS, FIVE MORE WIVES, LIQUID ASSETS, ILLIQUID ASSETS, HUGE ASS, HIS DONKEY, HIS DONKEY WIVES, AND HORSE AND CARRIAGE AFTER CELEBRATING SUCCESFUL REPRESENTATION OF THE PEOPLE THAT VOTED FOR HIM
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: LOCAL MAN EXPERIENCES TEN TRILLION EONS IN LOCALIZED TIME LOOP IN HIS ROOM, SAYS IT’S PRETTY GREAT
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: TAXI DRIVER DRIVES TAXI
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: SDRAWKCAB SI GNIHTYREVE
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: GYSO SUCKS
Thim: Man this newspaper is shit. Unsubscribed.
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: THE DIES
GYSO UNIVERSE NEWS: THE END